Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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