Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
