In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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