You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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