he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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