I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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