come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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