i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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