I think I won the penis lottery.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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