Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
