Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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