They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
