we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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