I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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