You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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