i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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