the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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