Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
