I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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