phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
