I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
