Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
