I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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