I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
