I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
