Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
