Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
