she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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