i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
is wine microwaveable?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize