saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
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