dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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