The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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