He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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