So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
