Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Randomize
