im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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