How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
