Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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