So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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