woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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