I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
