before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
