Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
