You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
