wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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