we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
they're like a gay fantastic four
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
