Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
