apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
