when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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