something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
