well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
