woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
