I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
