Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
