it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Randomize
