I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
