you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
