If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
