also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
