i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Watching her eat just hurts me
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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