Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
