In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I don't deserve a penis
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize