I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
